This is going to be an unusual post for me. It may not be something that you believe in, but for me it’s a recent realization I have been having over the last number of years. I hope I am able to put it properly into words.
I want to begin with setting down an example. Feel free to play along if you wish. If I was to ask you to find the color “black” near you, what would happen? I imagine that you may glance up from your monitor and look around until you spot something near you that is black. Then if I was to ask you to find the color green, again your eyes might dart around your surroundings and until you spot green. There done easy. So, what was that? What just happened. You read a statement to find a certain color and your brain went into validation mode. Knowing what the colors black and green are, your brain sent your eyes to find the existence of these colors near you to validate that they do indeed exist. You found the proof of these colors. You validated their existence.
Ok, bear with me, I am trying to figure all of this out as I write.
So, that’s what happens. You know these colors exist and your brain went on a mission to prove that these colors do indeed exist. Your brain found the proof you were looking for. All is good.
Now, this is what our brains do. We make a statement to ourselves and our brains will seek out proof to validate this. It happens over and over and over.
I have spent decades on a healing journey. It has not always been easy. In fact, I have lost friends and distanced people from me as I have continued to heal. Why is this? What is going on? What is wrong with me?
AHA! Did you see that last question? I wrote, “what is wrong with me?” – I just activated my brain to now seek out and give me the answers to my question “what is wrong with me?” It’s in the programming. My brain will now search memories, situations, times when I have felt there is something wrong with me, and it will present me the “evidence” that indeed something is wrong with me. Let me go further. If I was to make a belief statement such as “no one likes me”, or “no one loves me”, great – now my brain races off to find proof for me that indeed no one likes me, or no one loves me, and I will be faced with the unpleasant litany of memories when I indeed felt those ways. My brain will supply the truth I am looking for. Indeed, I have spent a great deal of my life repeating such nonsense to me. Why? Because it seemed easy to validate based on what happened to me as a child. Beaten, raped, abused, mentally tormented and threatened into submission, I believed that I was unworthy, that I was a “dirty boy” or that I was undeserving of God’s love. And those things dominated what should have been a peaceful or at least not such a violent and frightening childhood. PLUS I carried around a huge secret about the abuse under the constant threat that God would kill me and my family if I told anyone what happened. I was conditioned to keep the horrors buried within my living carcass. Not as a soldier in a prison camp, but as a child in a private school. A place where trust is automatically given to the caretakers of children. To disciples of God. I mean the set up was huge, and they did a fantastic job at grooming me to be a lifelong victim.
I spend a lot of time in my thoughts, in my mind palace (yes Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock Holmes reference). Those programs ran for a long long time.
I have no friends
No one loves me
I am worthless
It’s a pretty great way to keep people away. So instead of making lots of friends, I cautiously guarded my secrets and let very few people in. I tried to seek justice for what happened to me – that was a bold move. It was a necessary step towards my healing. Yet, the programs repeated in my head “you’ll never succeed”. And guess what? The universe heard my call, and it seemed to create a self-fulfilling statement. FAIL.
New programming was happening within my brain. “This is not right.” “I deserve to be heard”. Very very weakly, these statements were coming out, but things started happening. You see, it would have been very easy to walk away from the failure of my court case. The embarrassement and shame would make many return to the mindset of victim. “I deserve this.”
I did not. A spark. No. Push back. I do not deserve this. I am lov…
I am love…
F%@K YOU, I am LOVED.
It is so tough to make that statement when everything around you seems to be falling apart. Change is uncomfortable.
I AM LOVED
Wow, that is a powerful thing to say.
I AM DESERVING
Ok, that is also pretty powerful.
I AM BEAUTIFUL
Ok, now what?
What if we were to take as many of the self-hating statements we make to ourselves and replace as many as we can with statements like the ones I just wrote? What would happen?
I know what would happen, because I am starting to see things that I didn’t see before. Here are some examples.
I wrote a paper about my abuse. It felt good to share my story. My advisor asked me if I wanted to change the focus of my PhD to that topic. I didn’t. BUT I did post the paper on-line because I kept thinking I wanted more to come of it. I was asking for more. And then, out of the blue I was approached by an acquaintance (now a dear friend) who told me that the paper would make the basis for a play. A one man show! What? Me? No one likes…hang on….lets change that. This story deserves to be told. I said yes, and the show happened. People who saw the show still speak about it – the power, the beauty, the raw emotion of the story presented. Proof of my worth as a storyteller and a survivor were being presented.
Another example. How the heck do I continue to tell my story. Write a book. My story is worth telling. My story is worth telling. Now what? I had reached out to the Force with a statement about my worth and the worth of my story. The Force answered back. Another friend (a very very dear friend now) brought an amazingly generous offer of help to get me completing my book properly. It would have been so easy to say to myself, “I don’t deserve…” but instead “I am worthy of alliances…” and BAM! Again, the universe, the Force, my vibration, call it what you want, but I was answered. And I am so grateful to those amazing people for standing with me, guiding me and all the while bonding so much deeper because I accepted the call to action.
My bonds of friendship are getting stronger. Each day I am able to be more of who I am supposed to be. Little by little I turn my statements around. We need to all do this so we can be who we are intended to be.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
YOU ARE LOVED
YOU ARE DESERVING
YOUR STORY IS POWERFUL
YOU DESERVE YOUR SPACE
YOU ARE A JEDI
As I wrote before, I was not sure where this post was heading. I still really am not sure. I believe that our affirmations are powerful and we need to continue to find the positive in our lives. I am grateful for my friendships, the old that have dropped away, and the new that are strong and thriving. I know I have lots to offer my friends and family. I know I am a child of the Force. I will continue to embrace my imperfections, laugh at my mistakes and also learn from them. Above all, I AM WORTHY.
You know what the best part is? YOU are WORTHY too!
Imagine making these statements to yourself. Your brain will search out and find validation for these, and it’s okay to be loved and worthy. State and you will find.
It’s time for all of us to stop being hard on ourselves and hold each other up. I know my future is speaking up for the children who have lost their voice. This child is finally finding his.
It’s never too late, and there is more than enough room for us all to claim our space.